In Sickness

So last week resulted in a visit to the labour ward after being sick a stupid amount of times, and not being able to keep even water down.

I had felt rough all day, puked in the work car park and then about another 9 times before the out of hours doctor sent me up the hospital for some good old iv fluids and anti sickness drugs.

I thought it might be the start of hyperemesis again, but it seems it was just a bug as OH has been sicky too this week.

As much as I hate being in the hospital, I did feel tonnes better a few days later, the best I have done this pregnancy.

Thank you NHS for making me feel human again 😊

Back Again

Rather than apologise for being awol again, I’m going to quickly summarise what’s been happening over the last few weeks and will venture further into these topics in future posts.

1. 20 week scan confirmed boy #2!

2. Extra growth scans will be necessary before the caesarean.

3. Was admitted to hospital (again!) with severe vomiting and dehydration.

4. Sleepy sleepy tired 💤

These are many things amongst others, but mainly just the usual pregnancy related funness! X

And then there were four…

After being absent for a while, I am so excited to announce that baby number two is due in August 😊

I’ve been feeling generally quite rubbish. Thankfully I haven’t been sick like last time, but the never-ending nausea and exhaustion are really getting me down. Even simple tasks are proving to be a chore! I feel jealous of the people that never get ill when they are pregnant!

I wish I felt like eating healthy, but all I want is junk food which is making me feel worse. I’m going to be the size of a whale 🐳

Countdown to Christmas

Firstly, I’d like to apologise for my lack of posting. As I may or not have mentioned before, we have had a lot going on at home. Now that has been resolved (successfully!), I can get back to posting about the tribulations of young children!

We are finally in the Christmas spirit in our house, and we are looking forward to our second Christmas as a family. Lenny still doesn’t really understand the whole Christmas thing, so the presents, cards and decorations will be a bewilderment to him. Especially, as at the moment, he is in love with cardboard boxes and playing with them instead! We did make some Christmas cards a couple of weeks ago, which involved finger paints, a whole lot of mess but a whole lot of fun, so that will be a nice surprise for anyone receiving one of those this year!

I guess the only main concern is the tree. I remember last year he had a fascination with it, so this year he is going to be all over it for sure. I am fully expecting to find the tree and its decorations strewn across the floor on multiple occasions before the year is out.

Another thing I’m hoping to do is to take Lenny to the park, and have a go on the Christmas train! Like most little boys, he is obsessed with trains and I know this will be a real treat for him.

Its nice to be able to finally plan for Christmas after a truly rubbish year up until this point. How is everyone else doing? How are your Christmas plans going (or not going)?

Keep On Keeping On

We’re all having a difficult time with things at the moment, and its hard to know how to cope.

I find it hard to stay positive in the face of adversity, but I have to believe that things will work out and that Christmas will be awesome 🎄

Just wanted to say to the people going through trashy times whatever your situation – I feel your pain, believe things will get better and don’t bottle it up.

You got this ❤ xxx

Unrealistic Expectations

I had a friend post the other day about the pressures of being a perfect mum, exactly what this blog is about. We all do the best we can, we make mistakes but our children are none the worst for it.

Bearing perfection in mind, I’m posting a before and after make up shot of me to make you all feel better!

(Note – I look like the before most of the time, as I dont get time to make up every day!)

Up and Down

I’ve been a bit touch and go when it comes to my blogging, mainly because I’ve had a tough couple of weeks mentally as I transitioned between medication. I had a bad reaction a couple of weeks ago, which resulted in a very scary breakdown, which I don’t remember much of.

I’ve reached out for a bit more support, so I’ve been in touch with my local Wellbeing Team, and I can also get some sessions of counselling via work. I’ve gone back onto my old medication, as I don’t want to go downhill again.

Hope everyone else is doing ok, I will do some more posting soon as and when I feel up to it.

Take care x

Another Sleep Regression

I haven’t posted for a few days, frankly because I’ve been too tired. Lenny has hit another sleep regression patch, and I’m feeling a bit sleep deprived.

He has decided that he will not go to sleep unless I stay in the room with him. He has also taken to waking during the night again, and wont go back to sleep again for two hours (and of course, I have to stay in there).

One night I even slept on the floor, just to get him back to sleep. Obviously, I don’t want to get into the habit of doing these things, because I don’t want him to come to expect it. Its just so bloody difficult when they are screaming and crying, and you just want to comfort them. I feel guilty for letting him cry, but he only stops when I’m there.

One thing I found last night that worked, what a guided sleep meditation video on You Tube. I played it to him whilst I was in there, and after 20 minutes of it, he fell asleep. I’m hoping to try this again tonight, but chances are, it wont work this time!

It could be anything, but I suspect that it is teeth and a growth spurt. He did sleep through last night, but woke with the birds at 6.30am.

It is testing me mentally and physically, Im just praying to wont go on too much longer for all of our sakes. I want my happy little Bean back.

Post Natal Depression and Me.

I wanted to write a post about my experience with PND. I’ve read other peoples stories, and they vary wildly in terms of symptoms, and reactions. If you’ve ever experienced it, or are still struggling like me, I would be so glad to hear your experiences too.
PND doesn’t always start straight away. Sometimes it can take days, or months for it to manifest itself. I found that, due to my history of depression, I was likely to be more susceptible to it. So whilst I was surprised when it happened, part of me expected it and almost embraced it. It was almost like welcoming and old friend you hadn’t seen in ages, and it was like they’d never been away.
Whilst it was familiar, it was also strange and scary too. I had never wanted to end my life before, but suddenly, I was presented with an overwhelming urge to walk into a lake and not come out again.
The only thing that stopped me was having my son with me. I couldn’t leave him there on his own, so young and so helpless. I didn’t want him to grow up believing his mum didn’t want him and couldn’t cope with him. Nothing was further from the truth. I adore him, but something inside me wanted me to go.
I look at photographs taken of him last year, and some of them I cannot even remember being taken. They are so alien to me; they could be someone else’s child. There are huge gaps of time missing from last year, where I cannot remember anything that happened. It scares me that I cannot remember, and that I cannot share those memories with him when he gets older.
It was never a case of me not wanting to look after him, I wanted to protect him. It was me I couldn’t look after. I couldn’t wash, eat properly or find joy in anything. I still struggle with these things now.

There was a bonding issue that I never noticed, but other people picked up on. It really hurt for people to think that. I had never looked after a child in my life, so it was a very daunting prospect for me, which I imagine is the case for a lot of new parents.
When the GP put me on Sertraline, it was a relief knowing that in a way, I had embraced my illness. I could fight it, and hopefully regain some of my life back. It’s not been easy, and it still isn’t easy now. I’ve never wanted to kill myself again, but there are days when I just want to stay in bed and not have any responsibilities. It sounds utterly childish and selfish to say that, but if you’ve ever suffered from depression, you will know how that feels.
Knowing that I suffer from PND and depression is overwhelming, but I know when I am becoming ill again. The scariest part is the delusions, something I’m too embarrassed to discuss with anybody. To explain it, it’s like constantly living in a daydream. You can function normally, but it feels robotic. When you are not engaged in a normal activity, you slip into this fantasy world, and it consumes every single minute of every single thought.
No one will notice it. But you can. You would rather be in this world where you make the future and can control what happens. Sounds great doesn’t it? Yep, until you realise it’s not real and it’s never going to happen. You come crashing down into the real world and it’s scary, horrible, dark and utterly terrifying.
I am also a chronic paranoid. Everyone is talking about me, making fun of me, generally being mean to me behind my back. Every problem is caused by me, people hate me, I will never get anywhere in my life. It makes me anxious, it makes me panic and I can’t function properly. It’s exhausting being me, and I know it’s not just me who feels like this.

I bet a lot of people could relate when I say I wish I had a switch in my head, so that I could turn off my thoughts at night to get some sleep. How blissful a quiet head would be?
Lenny is 20 months old as I write this, and we’re lucky to have got through this time (relatively) unscathed. I do wonder if deep down, any of my emotions have embedded themselves inside him, but if I worry about that, it’s just another thing to add to my list. I won’t analyse him, he is just a little boy who needs a guiding hand through the world.
I look at him now, and I wonder how I could ever have considered killing myself. When you have a child, it is the most amazing and fulfilling thing in the world, and it’s an absolute honour to be his mum. I am lucky that I corrected myself so that I am able to see what the future holds for him.

Wedding Bells

We are off to a wedding today, our first one as a family.

Not going to lie, I am totally bricking it. My stomach is doing somersaults and I feel a bit sick. I’ve been panicking about this all week, and now its here.

I cant wait to see my friend get married, but I’m honestly more concerned about how Lenny is going to behave. Will he be noisy? Will he scream during the ceremony? Will he play up during the meal?

I’m just praying its all going to be ok, and everything will be fine. I want to come home and wonder what I was worried about.

Watch this space!